The Idiot files!
by Fliceru01
Summary: A series of random drabbles with a variety of characters. You'll have to read to find out more! YAOI! Rated for safety! Not all content is the same rating!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH (THOUGH IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY ME SOME SHARES OF THE CORPORATION THEN THAT WOULD NOT GO AMISS)! RATED FOR SAFETY AND SOME OF THE CONTENT. SEXUAL INNUENDOES MAY BE RIFE! SOME YAOI SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ.

A few weeks ago, I looked back through my notebook when I had finished all the fics that I had going and I found a load of random drabbles that didn't connect to anything and wouldn't lead to anything. Some are humorous and others are just completely random so bear with them because I was under the influence of many drunken Yamis and a lot of sugar when I pieced them together. They were originally meant to be starter pieces, intended to be put into other fics but in the end I either forgot about them or couldn't be bothered to incorporate them into my fics. So, for your enjoyment I have pieced them all together in a fic I like to call

The idiot files. A series of drabbles written by your favourite baka, ME! (For those of you who don't know, baka is idiot in Japanese). May Ra forgive me…

1. Be one with the tree.

" Marik?"

" Yes Hikari."

" Would you mind me asking what the hell you are doing?"

" … Actually… yes I would. I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Malik put his hands on his hips in exasperation as he looked up at his Yami who was, at that very moment, straddling a tree branch and humping it violently. Malik sighed and called up to him again.

" I can see that! Now, tell me, what are you doing up there?"

Marik paused his assault on the tree and thought for a second, then spoke indignantly.

" Following up something you said."

Malik balked in surprise.

" What could I have possibly said that would make you…to that tree… I don't even want to think about it! For Ra's sake come down here now!"

Marik pouted stroppily but remained atop his lofty perch.

" I can't, Malik! I haven't accessed the tree's sexual powers yet!"

" What?"

" You told me that trees held mysterious sexual powers. Don't you remember?"

Malik sighed angrily and replied in irritation.

" I said trees have SENSUAL powers! Not sexual! Now get down here you fat oaf!"

**DEDICATED TO MEELY WHO ACTUALLY ACTED THIS OUT ON ONE SUMMER AFTERNOON AND TO RACH WHO INSPIRED IT.**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH (THOUGH IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY ME SOME SHARES OF THE CORPORATION THEN THAT WOULD NOT GO AMISS)! RATED FOR SAFETY AND SOME OF THE CONTENT. SEXUAL INNUENDOES MAY BE RIFE! SOME YAOI SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ.**

2. The birds and the bees.

Ahhhh, peace and quiet. With the clicking of his mouse and the tapping of his keyboard being the only things disturbing the hazy afternoon air, Seto Kaiba felt totally at ease. His desk was clearing quickly and none of his dim-witted employees had felt the need to disturb him all day so, logically, his mood was good.

When a timid knock came at the office door he was even nice enough to offer a polite

" Come in." to his visitor.

Roland crept carefully into the room and crossed to the desk where he handed his boss a bundle of bulky envelopes that had arrived with the mailman that morning. He stood silently and obediently by the side of his desk while Seto rifled through his mail. The calming serenity that engulfed the office was shattered as the office door was shoved open so hard that it banged against the papered walls and flakes of the shiny material fell to the lushly carpeted floor. Mokuba Kaiba threw down his schoolbag and desperately tried to avoid looking at the expensive wallpaper that he had chipped off with the door. He walked to Roland's other side and spoke to his brother quietly.

" Seto, I need your help with something."

Seto put down his mail and replied.

" What's up? Do you need me to fire someone?"

Roland gulped.

" No, Seto. It's for school. I need you to tell me about… about the birds and the bees."

Seto took a sharp intake of breath and nearly choked on his gum as the temperature in the room shot up. Roland cleared his throat and spoke while making a hasty exit.

" I'll leave this to you, ' big brother'."

Seto scowled at his retreating back then found his gaze drawn back to the wide, curious orbs that were his brother's eyes. Seto fought to make words form on his parched tongue while Mokuba's piercing gaze worsened on his face. Seto raised a hand to his collar and eased it away from his sweaty neck.

" Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

Mokuba replied anxiously.

" It must just be you. Seto, your face has gone all red. Anyone would think that you were embarrassed. _Are_ you embarrassed, Seto? Did I say something wrong? Aren't I allowed to know? I get these feelings about girls! What do I do? SETO! My body has a mind of its own! Someone told asked me whether I had a 'pen in my pocket'! What does it all mean? SETO!"

Mokuba carried on rambling and getting more and more distressed while Seto got sweatier and more nauseous by the second as his incapability to talk about bodily functions kicked in. He gulped as he heard his brother mention the words sex and contraception then go on to talk about his sexuality. He got to his feet; a hand raised to his mouth. and ran from the room calling back desperately.

" Maybe later, Mokuba!"

As the door slammed shut behind Seto, Mokuba grinned slyly and something began to glow beneath his jumper. The Millennium Ring came into view and Mokuba's form shifted and moulded until instead of the young Kaiba, an Albino Yami stood grinning to himself. Bakura folded his arms across his chest and spoke to himself.

" Oh how I love to watch them squirm. Hell hath no fury like a 5000-year-old thief scorned! That'll teach him not to call me a 'happy bunny'!"


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH (THOUGH IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY ME SOME SHARES OF THE CORPORATION THEN THAT WOULD NOT GO AMISS)! RATED FOR SAFETY AND SOME OF THE CONTENT. SEXUAL INNUENDOES MAY BE RIFE! SOME YAOI SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ.

3. UNTITLED. This was going to be in a fic where Yami had just been given his own body and he and Yugi had just gotten together but I didn't end up going any further than this so enjoy this lovey dovey drabble. YAOI!

Yugi sighed heavily as he rolled over to face Yami, who was still fast asleep next to him. He lifted a slender finger and brushed the long blonde bangs from his partner's face and then ran it down his cheek and over his soft button nose. He drew his hand back as Yami stirred and his eyelids fluttered open. Yugi smiled placidly and spoke as he wriggled forwards to nestle in the crook of Yami's arm.

" Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Yami squeezed Yugi gently and let his Hikari kiss his bare chest softly.

" It's okay, Aibou. I was anything but sleeping tonight."

Yugi eased out of Yami's grip and leant up on one elbow, gazing lovingly at him with his glistening amethyst eyes.

" What's wrong? You don't regret last night do you?"

Yami leant forward and pulled Yugi into a lingering kiss that enthused something deep within him. He let Yugi go and replied.

" Of course not. It just happened all at once. First Shadi granted me my own body then all these feelings came rushing back over me like a tidal wave threatening to wash me away again. It's going to take the others a while to get used to us being… well _us_, isn't it?"

" Well they are going to have to get used to it aren't they?"

Yugi laughed and jerked forward so that his lips joined with Yami's in a rush of emotion. Yami sat up and ran his hands down the back of Yugi's neck then down his back to rest on his waist. The kiss ended and Yugi shuffled closer to force Yami down onto his back. He lowered himself down until his head rested above Yami's heart and their legs were entwined beneath the covers.

" I love you Yami."

Yami looked down at Yugi curiously and spoke, repeating his lover's words.

" _I love you_? I love you?"

Yugi giggled and ran his finger in circles over Yami's chest.

" Yeah. Why so surprised?"

Yami's face darkened as he replied.

" You don't know what you're offering when you say that."

Yugi, still dissolving in Yami's embrace, replied hazily.

" What do you mean, Yami? I love you and that's all there is to it."

" When you love someone you're practically giving them licence to tear your soul apart, piece by piece."

Yugi, now alert, placed a finger over Yami's lips to silence him and cut in.

" You had my soul from day one Yami. Don't worry, I'm willing to take the risk."

Yami smiled and kissed Yugi lightly while pulling him down upon him to feed the passion rising again within him.

" So am I, so am I."

**ONE OF MY SOPPIER MOMENTS BUT WHO CARES!**


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH (THOUGH IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY ME SOME SHARES OF THE CORPORATION THEN THAT WOULD NOT GO AMISS)! RATED FOR SAFETY AND SOME OF THE CONTENT. SEXUAL INNUENDOES MAY BE RIFE! SOME YAOI SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ.

4. So you want to know what I think? Random DukeXBakura thingy. For the love of Bastet don't ask…

**I DO NOT OWN THE SONG 'I HATE YOU' OR GREEN DAY THE BAND (NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MAY WISH IT)**

Bakura folded his arms on the tabletop in front of him and leant his chin on them so he could look innocently up at the black-haired dice-master before him. Bakura fluttered his eyelashes to conceal an inner sense of hilarity as Duke got more and more irritated by Bakura's attention. He flicked his long black fringe out of his face and began to fiddle with his new eyebrow piercing absentmindedly.

Bakura sighed and watched happily as Duke growled and muttered something under his breath as he started to pack away his notebook and pick up the guitar that stood by his desk. He strummed a few chords then looked back at Bakura to find him sitting closer and just staring blankly at him. Finally, Duke snapped and hissed vehemently at him.

" What do you want? Surely you have something better to do than stare at me all day!"

Bakura put a finger to the corner of his mouth pensively then replied.

" At this point in time… No. Your irritation is proving to be quite amusing. Don't stop, it was just getting good. I was thinking of ordering in pizza and opening the popcorn."

Duke scowled as Bakura practically rolled off his chair from laughter. Duke's eyes narrowed then he started to play his guitar in the tune of 'I Hate You' by Green Day and sang along loudly. He was just about to break into the second verse when Bakura spoke.

" Oh Duke! Why do you hate me so?"

Duke stopped playing and replied matter-of-factly.

" I don't hate you… I just despise you intensely."

Bakura raised a hand to his mouth and called out in mock distress.

" Oh no you didn't! Two can play at that game!"

Then he took a deep breath and broke into a loud yell of hatred.

" I hate you so much right now so do not speak to me unless you want your head bitten off, cremated, fed to a shark which is made into sushi which is fed to an incredibly fat man, then excreted out and flushed down into the sewage system then feasted upon by microbes and flies, then…"

Duke collapsed over his guitar and sighed in reply.

" Okay Bakura I think I get the point…"


End file.
